Meth Addict

Question: My ex is a meth addict, we keep getting back together and breaking up?

(Posted by: Candy H on 2010-07-17 09:58:51)

When I am with him he doesn't use but if we break up he always falls right off the wagon. I feel obligated to save him and its almost as if I'm addicted to him. We were together since 2003, in 2008 we broke up because he cheated. He went off the deep end, quit a great job and started using full time. He got physical with me at one point and I had to involve the police - he had to go to treatment. When he completed treatment he had nowhere to stay....so anyway we ended up getting back together. He was clean for 6 months - he started communicating with his old friends and I asked him to leave. Now he was arrested again - he will be clean again when he gets out. I don't know what to do. I do love him, because I do, I can't even date anyone.

Posted by: bobaloub on 2010-07-17, 10:23:57

You have to make some rules if you allow him to come back. He's not allowed to hang out with his old friends etc. If he does then he will have to leave for 2 weeks. I have let friends come into my home and stay with me and they caused a lot of trouble. My last friend was an alcoholic. My advice ? sit down with them and write down on a piece of paper what the house rules will be. I would start by telling him no visitors allowed, and no contact with old friends. He has to be in every night at 10 pm. etc. IF he breaks a rule then he has to leave for 2 weeks. You are being too easy on him, it's time to get tough with this guy otherwise he's going to make your life hell.

Posted by: birdgirl123 on 2010-07-17, 10:07:13

You might be best helped to visit a good therapist and do a little self-searching before letting the ex back into your life. All of what you say about him is not in your best interests, and why you would feel obligated to help him should be of great concern to you. You are not responsible for the feelings or problems of others - you need to put YOU first and have a definite view of yourself as a positive and worthwhile individual. Sorry to bring this to your attention, but your own self esteem appears to be quite low. Work with a therapist and let that person help you develop into an individual who can have pride and dignity in yourself, and put yourself before others. Good Luck.

Posted by: Bob Weiss on 2010-07-17, 10:08:41

You need to leave this guy, he will never change! its not up to you to save him its up to him, he will not change unless he wants to change. This guy is bad for you, he will only bring you more pain. there a lot better guys out there. time to move on i think

Posted by: Thomas Reichert on 2010-07-17, 10:17:15

Your job is not to fix him. It may be hard but you need to let go, you cant help someone who wont help themselves. Not everything is meant to last.

Posted by: Mary on 2010-07-17, 10:29:45

You cannot fix him, and you are not morally or legally responsible for him. You very probably don't have the requisite skills to help him, either, and even if you did you would not have the impartiality needed. Change your phone number and move if you have to, but do NOT let him back into your life even for a moment! There is nothing to gain, and everything to lose. Move on with your life, and try dating somebody normal for a change -- you will not regret it!

Posted by: CJ on 2010-07-17, 11:15:25

It seems You're obsessed if you can't date anyone else. Do you want to be the one that "saves him ". Many girls fall into this TRAP. Don't be another statistic. I know that is WAY easier said than done especially if you think you love him. But seriously look at the whole situation. Take a step back and try to imagine yourself as if you were not involved and you saw someone else that you love, like a sister, and you saw HER with a guy, on again, off again, he has beat her, he has been arrested, he keeps getting back on drugs. Where do you really think this guy is going to be in 10 years, in a good high paying job, or prison? Ask yourself how do you want to live, do you want to start a family with children and risk having those kids ask you where daddy is if he went to jail. Or risk having some of his meth-head buddies showing up at your door step on 3 in the morning? Or risk having your children grow up around meth and start using themselves? It will be easy for your future kids to do that if they are in so much pain from listening to you guys argue/ fight and them watching their dad beat up on there mom. They would want something to "kill the pain " too. You could be, God-Forbid, raising future drug users and the chain will continue. Are there seriously no OTHER guys in this world that you could decide to start a relationship with? Maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now anyways. Have you tried being single and preoccupying you're time with maybe a college class or something else so you won't think about him as much. Break it off, change your number, and MOVE away never looking back. I know you're probably not going to do that, but if you did it would work. Find a guy that ALREADY had the good attributes of a good husband and father, someone who Doesn't party, has NEVER touched meth, and someone who has NEVER been to jail and respects women. You can't mold your ex into that perfect guy, you have to find someone that already fits that mold. Plus it has been medically proven that meth permanently make physical changes to the brain that makes the user, or ex-user, have more emotional problems and more prone to being aggressive for the rest of their life. That's a scary thought. The research is right down there in those links I've attached. If you want to start a family, the best guys for that are found in church or at a college. Those are the guys that have a plan for their future and are on their way to a happy life RIGHT NOW. Not when they get clean, or get out of jail..RIGHT NOW, and many would be perfectly happy sharing their future with you. Have some respect for yourself. Go take a class at a community college and meet some guys there. Or even try going to a church. Any church would be happy to help you especially if they knew your situation. Do you have any girl-friends that go to church, or college? If so, go with them. Take a class together, or have them introduce you to a youth church leader or something. But if you like the excitement (even if it's negative), and if you're really sick, possibly the attention you get from the abuse, or hanging on to a hope, that he will (with your help and love) change into that "perfect guy " that you "know " he can become when you day dream about it, keep chasing waterfalls. You'll be sorry you did. Leave NOW while he's in jail. I know it's hard but DON'T WRITE to him. It's a perfect time for you to contact a relative that lives far far away where he would never suspect, tell them your situation, and see if they'll let you stay the summer with them. Get a summer job and try to start fresh there. Anyplace sounds better that what you have going on right now. I hope you wake up from this. There ARE MANY better options for you. Which road will you take? I was in the same situation, except the roles were switched. We were together 10 years and were high school sweethearts so we had the same group of friends. She got in with the druggies that I never thought she ever would talk to. SHE became the user, I've never touched the stuff. I had a good high paying job, a house, financially secure. She ruined my life, because I allowed her to and because I loved her, the old her, not the new person she became after she began using. We have a child together, she would come home at all hours of the night. People that I didn't know would be in my house when I'd get home. My child would hear us fighting and would be woken up from sleeping to her screaming at me for money. Total nightmare. ALl my money went to lawyers and bailing HER out of jail. Get away and DON "T LOOK BACK! There are so many other people in this world that you would be happy with. I DID do everything that I suggested you do, like moving away, never looking back, and found my present girl from a church. I never knew my life could be this good after everything I had been through.